How to Ruin a Marriage.

Step One. Avoidance.

I always find it a little odd when people state that "allowing" homosexuals to marry will destroy the sanctity of marriage.

Heterosexuals have done a darn fine job of destroying the sanctity of marriage, in my opinion, and I am always kind of surprised that my gay friends are willing to buy into the whole shebang of legal marriage.

But enough about that.

One great way to destroy your marriage is to avoid talking about your differences. Right from the start, steer clear of the subjects that make you uncomfortable. Parenting, money, religious beliefs, partner roles, life goals, sex... whatever it might be.

Avoid them at all costs and only bring them up in the midst of heated arguments about other matters. It's a nice way to deflect you from the subject you are talking about and it will muddy the waters so that after a while, you won't even know what started the argument and you will be miles away from reaching a compromise.

Compromises are painful.  I know that Steven Covey is all about the win/win but I hate to tell you not everything in life is win/win. Sometimes you gotta lose a little. Often, it's really good for you to  lose a little. You learn a lot, you gain a lot, when you lose. (It's actually a spiritual truth, as well... those who die to themselves find life beyond measure. All the great teachers have a variation on that tough little teaching.)

It's hard to find your way towards a compromise and there is no road map. Whatever book you might read about marriage, whatever your parents might have done, whatever you think should be the right answer, will not be what you should do. Two people, two personalities, two different families of origin, two sets of infinite genetic code, will result in a compromise that really only works for the two of you, in that particular moment. Compromises are as unique and unexpected as the personalities of your children. Circumstances will change, the kids will grow up, you'll lose or get a new job, and you'll be back to finding a new compromise for your new reality.

Not easy.

However it is relatively easy to avoid these discussions early in your relationship. Most people can, many people do. Short, heated arguments result in a few hours of smouldering and that's about it. You hide more and more of your opinions, yet you hold on to them tighter than ever, and you find other things to talk about.

The weather, perhaps. Other people. Television shows. Or better yet, just watch television. Don't even discuss the show. It's easier if you don't talk at all.

So, there you have it. Care to destroy your marriage?

Step One. Avoidance.

It's going to take some time so be patient, but avoidance is definitely a good place to start.