first

first,
let me say,
that i am a christian.
and i must also add that i am glad, and thankful, that i can live out my life in the company of jesus.

but i'm a little embarrassed to say the "christian" word, sometimes, when i first meet people. i want them to know me, at least a little bit, before they feel compelled to apologize for not going to church for the past 31 years, or for being divorced, or because they spilled red wine on my tablecloth. i want them to get to know me without wondering if they will be judged or told how they should live.

and so eventually i tell people, because they ask when they realize we are mysteriously busy every sunday morning. or because they ask what rob does... and it's then that my secret is out... i used to say, "he works in a church," but when someone asked me, "so like, is he like the janitor or something?" i thought i should be more clear.

i know that my faith has stretched me. i do think that i've grown, that my faith has made a difference in my life, that i do have comfort and joy and blessings; there are friendships that i might not have shared and challenges i may not have undertaken without faith. i was at least somewhat miserable in the years before i thought to turn to god, and to be honest, there have been times when i've been miserable since. still, i know. i believe. i celebrate. i'm thankful. i pray.

but it bothers me, it grieves me, even, when i hear someone sharing their heart, and their struggles, their questions and their pain, and someone jumps in almost before the last sentence is out of their mouth...

"oh, yes... i had that problem once. and then i TURNED TO JESUS! jesus fixes it all. every pain. you don't have to feel that way anymore... just give it all to HIM!!!" (big toothy "i don't have any more problems" kind of grin.)

it conflicts me because partly, i believe this. i do believe that my pain and hurt and questions are heard by him, healed by him, but i don't think it's helpful at all to begin telling people what i think when they haven't asked. i don't think "turning" is a quick fix for pain, either. and if your life is a mess, it will probably be one slow, stumbling foot in front of another, with plenty of falls, before you step forward enough to... encounter a new mess.

i am never helped by the happy, toothy, cheery person when i'm struggling, either. i love the proverb, "like one who takes away a garment on a cold day, or like vinegar poured on soda, is one who sings songs to a heavy heart." i want empathy, understanding, and maybe a hot meal. don't take away the only warmth i've got right now because you're determined to 'fix' me.

and just because some method worked for you, it probably doesn't mean that it will work for me. we are quite different, after all. you may want to tell me your method after i've asked about it, but please, wait til i'm ready to step out of the mess of my own creating.

i'm sad, i suppose, because when people find out that i'm a christian, they expect that they will be judged and told that they are wrong. and i'm sad because sometimes when christians share something that is hard for them, they are given a 'quick fix' answer.

has that ever worked for anyone?

if i have EVER piped up in your life with unsolicited advice, would you kindly let me know so that i can apologize? i didn't mean to. i was probably having a bad day. if you ASK my opinion, sure, i'll pass it along.

in the meantime, i'm working at keeping my mouth shut more. and god give me the grace to listen to the end of every sentence.